Recently I fell in love.
It was a quick romance lasting only about a month and ending in upset. I wish things were different. If I could jump back through time to that particular moment when that particular thing was done and do things in a particularly different way, I would.
I suppose there's no need for the excessive use of the word particular above, no need to be purposefully vague. That particular thing that was done was a relapse. I chose to get high and consequently D. chose to end the relationship. So while I say I would change what happened if I could, I say that believing that everything happens, or, rather, I, on various levels of awareness, put things in motion toward an outcome, for a reason. "Nothing in God's world happens by mistake" according to one of the stories in the big book of AA. Put in only a slightly different way, if the universe in constantly conspiring on my behalf, then even the frustration, fear and anguish that characterize a drug addict's relapse are a part of that conspiracy. And, when someone I love chooses to end or shift the relationship in such a way that it makes my heart ache, that too is part of the conspiracy.
What really sucks is not knowing what the grand scheme is. I mean seriously, aren't I entitled to a full-page memo from God-Spirit-Universe explaining the intent and outcome of every action. I say that sarcastically, but the truth is I believe I am entitled to such a document. Actually, ballsy as it may sound, I believe I am entitled to write the damn thing. Having said that, i still wonder how it is possible that me relapsing for what feels like the seven-millionth time is part of a conspiracy on my behalf? And, when an incredibly handsome, intelligent, kind, thoughtful, masculine (sorry...you get the idea), man walks away, how is that benefiting me? I guess that's up to me to decide.
Purpose #1: I knew when I relapsed I would be telling D. about it, and, while my denial/ego convinced me otherwise, I knew it was a real possibility that he would, and there's no use mincing words here: dump my ass. When that's what happened, I felt devastated, until I began to see it differently. Yes, the universe is indeed constantly conspiring on my behalf, it is constantly conspiring on D.'s behalf too. What felt like a painful slap in the face to me, may have feltl like an arm of protection to him. When getting high causes me to feel regret and disgust in every cell of my body, his universal gift may be a calm resolve to firm up his boundaries toward such self-destructive behaviors. Looking at the relapse in this way is not easy. It does't instantly make that sting go away or that disgust dissolve, but, given time, I think it will.
Purpose #2: Falling in love with someone is a beautiful experience. Unfortunatley, I was starting to believe it wouldn't happen to me again. More specifially, I was beginning to see myself as incapable and unworthy of that kind of love. "Damaged Goods" is the label I metaphorically taped to the back of my shirt in years past. Slowly, I've been chipping away at that label and my experience with D. showed me that I can, indeed, fall in love again. Even this stubborn, drug-addicted son-of-a-bitch is both capable and worthy of love.
So...thank you D. I feel really honored to have been your boyfriend. In a short amount of time we went through some shit with each other. We laughed a lot and cried some and created, at least for me, some really awesome memories. I'll always have a tender spot in my heart for you.....you big dork.
Shawn.
*** That concludes this memo. Be careful, it may self-destruct....just kidding.
