When I first began to write this particular blog, a friend told me I'd most likely write consistently for a few months and then stop. "Like most everyone else," he said.
Damn it! He was right! I have not made an entry in the Index of Potentially Purposeful Stuff for months. Strangely, when it seems there is little to bitch about, when my life is going relatively smoothly, I don't write. Perhaps it's the psychoanalyst in me, deliberating on my own self-diagnosed conditions, that makes me want to share my inner most self with potentially millions of strangers. Who knows? It doesn't really matter. I just know that tonight I'm feeling compelled to articulate some thoughts.
More specifically, I want to express my gratitude. Below is exert from an entry I posted in September, 2009, after participating in a gay men's spirituality retreat, where I had a powerfully spiritual experience with an oracle:
...On the final morning of the retreat I went into the dining area for coffee and found a friend engaged in a personal reading from the Fairy Cards. Their observations of him where right on and their forecast was downright exciting, so, naturally, I wanted in. After carefully shuffling the cards, dividing them into four groups, re-stacking them and pulling the top card, I was told what the upside-down “Lilly of the Rainbows” said. I’ll paraphrase: The universe has given you significant challenges lately. You need to relax, trust and be patient with the process.” Quickly, I shuffled again, divided, re-stacked and turned the top card. Surprisingly, upside-down “Lilly of the Rainbows” appeared again, telling me that the universe has given me significant challenges, I should relax and trust the process and be patient. Well…needless to say, I was a bit taken back. Right back to the book shelf where the I Ching was waiting. I was determined to hear something different, insisted on it. After carefully following the steps for getting a reading from this ancient oracle, the message was loud and clear when it told me, almost verbatim, the same thing. Thankfully, it also said this: “…success is imminent, if only you BE PATIENT.”
I labeled that entry "The Fairies Have Spoken." Or, "I Am Patient, Damn It." Hopefully the irony is apparent; much of the time, during the months that followed, I was not patient. Nor did I trust the process. The oracles were right , the Universe truly had given me some significant challenges. OK...enough of the politically correct, soft and easy language: since becoming addicted to meth, my life has pretty much totally fucking sucked! I created one situation after another that overwhelmed me. I felt despair like I never imagined possible; I marinated in that heaviness sometimes. I began to believe I wouldn't make it out alive and sought some weird form of okay-ness in knowing I would probably die a lonely junky.
Deep breath. Here is my truth today: I am alive and happy and healthy and sober. Three words in the quote above stand out worse than the pimples I sometimes get on the tip of my nose. TRUST THE PROCESS. What I've learned is that I am not, nor have I ever been, the victim of addiction. When I relax, set aside judgments and trust the process, whether I understand it or not, I'm able to see the perfection of every single experience I've had. Finally...I "do not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it."
So...all that being said, a gratitude list is in order.
1. I'm grateful my life today is not in survival mode. I'm building my "nest," growing a garden, setting goals, working out, experiencing the present moment.
2. I'm grateful that I feel loved, rather than fear being alone.
3. I'm grateful for mysterious thing that I don't understand, like seeing a rock as my grandfather, because it's been around since the creation of time.
4. I'm grateful for moments of clarity and moments of confusion, because without both, I wouldn't experience either.
5. I'm grateful for feelings of lust inside a committed relationship.
6. I'm grateful for those moments when I realize my mind is relatively calm. I used to wonder if it would ever happen.
And, 7. I'm grateful to feel like I'm part of a community. That sense of being the outsider looking in, or alone in a crowded room isn't there so much any more. I like it.
