To Fatigue: Thank You

This is, in fact, a tribute to fatigue.

Anyone who has abused stimulants and then discontinued their use knows what I'm talking about: fatigue, complete exhaustion. It was during one of these phases that I fell asleep standing in line at the grocery store and sitting in a booth at Carl's Jr., producing a distinct pool of saliva on the table for passersby to admire. Sometimes I needed 18 hours of sleep a day before returning to a more normal sleep pattern. Indeed, this kind of fatigue is unlike any other I've experienced.

So, crazy as it may sound, I want to honor that feeling. Celebrate fatigue. Why?
That's simple: To more profoundly and vibrantly experience the sensation of energy. In other words, I'm celebrating contrast, the demonstrator of what I really want in my life.

Here is a small list of contrasts that I feel particularly grateful for today:

1. Pimples on my 41 year old face. Zits! What's up with that? Shouldn't I be too old for these unsightly blemishes? And, here's the funny part: they're huge; not the pin-sized, easy to pop variety. Rather, great big ones that unexpectedly talk to me when I stare at them in the mirror too long.

However, When all the squeezing and applications of Clean and Clear are done, I'm so happy to have my face back. Good bye third eye, that's actually located on my chin. Or, even better, no more kidney bean sized pimple on the tip of my nose resulting in that red nosed reindeer look that startles unsuspecting persons.

2. Conversations with guys who I find ridiculously sexy and, consequently, I get nervous and sound like a total fucking retard. (That word is not PC in this context, but, I really don't know of another word that better fits.) Usually these events coincide with sleep deprivation, excessive self-criticism or trying too hard to impress. Whatever the reason, I know it's happening by that peculiar look on his face; the one that says, boldly, "what the hell are you talking about?"

It is moments like this when I appreciate the awareness that generally I engage with good-looking men just as I do with any other: relatively articulate, soft-spoken, somewhat nerdy, intelligent.

3. Bad sex.
Need I really say more? Actually, yes. I must say this: nothing motivates me more to appreciate good sex than those times when it is not. You know, those times when, no matter how hard you try; no matter how much preparation goes into the experience, it just turns out, oh...I don't know, shitty. It really sucks when sex-- the thing I hope will bring me closer to this guy--leaves me with a bad taste in my mouth. No clever metaphor comes to mind for the worst of all: erectile dysfunction. Not being to get it up it such a bummer, you know?

But, here is where I pause to experience gratitude for bad sex. Without it good sex, the kind where you just know--I mean really know you're properly prepared--would become boring. Seriously, without bad sex, an erect penis would eventually become and irritant. Want ads would read "Gay white man seeks same. Flacid cock a plus."


And, there are many others; probably enough to keep me engaged for a few hours. Hell, that much writing would tire me out. Which brings me back to fatigue, to which I say: Thanks, and happy celebration of fatigue day!

Now...I'm going to go take a nap.